I have my go to recommendation for trauma science (The Body Keeps the Score) and sleep science (Why We Sleep); now I have a go to recommendation for the science of sex too! Come As You Are.
The biggest eye opener for me was what she calls the dual control model: we have both an accelerator and brakes when it comes to desire. They work independently, but it doesn’t matter how much you desire sex (accelerator), if your brakes are telling you no then it’s a no. Some people have more sensitive accelerators than others, same with brakes. You can have both a very sensitive accelerator AND very sensitive brakes! Even if you have average on both, the knowledge of the dual control model has huge practical implications.
The book continues on with advice on figuring out what sets off your accelerator and brakes (short answer: context, like if household chores are done or feeling pressure to perform.)
Another big topic is the science behind a person’s body response being off kilter with their desire (e.g. having a physical reaction even though you don’t like what’s happening or not having a physical response when your mind is 100% in that headspace). The short answer is that the body response is a learned response to identify that something is sex related. It does not mean it’s liked or wanted, just that it’s sex related. And AFAB (assigned female at birth) folks are much more likely to have the body response not be accurate.
Longer answer: Interestingly, a study showed that AMAB (assigned male at birth) folks have a genital response in agreement with what their mind is thinking regarding whether they are aroused or not 50% of the time. This was in a lab setting where participants were watching videos of various kinds and answering questions about if they found it arousing while measurements were being taken of their body’s response. Scientists think 50% is super high and layman think it’s super low because there’s a myth that our bodies respond more accurately than our brains do because of social conditioning.
That’s bunk of course because – for example – if a doctor tests our reactions by hitting the knee so we kick, that is a body reaction that does not mean we subconsciously wanted to kick. So why would we attribute an erection to automatically mean the person must be aroused?
Even more interesting, the same study showed that AFAB folks were in agreement regarding arousal vs genital response only 10% of the time.
So when we need extra lube or we’re wet but having trouble convincing a partner they need to stop because we don’t like it, part of the confusion is that we are being treated like broken men. It’s assumed that our bodies *should* respond more accurately than they do (like men’s do, on average.) We need to all acknowledge that the body responds in its own way and feel safe to use words and have the words be what’s believed.
I do wonder how social conditioning contributes to that stark 10% vs. 50% figure. Specifically, if maybe AFAB folks getting more contradictory messages surrounding sex explains why our bodies get more out of sync with our desire.
And of course keep in mind that there is always a wide variety and overlap within the groups when you’re comparing individuals.
Which brings me to the key overarching message of the whole book: you are more normal than you think you are. Bodies come in all shapes, sizes, and colours. Desires come in all kinds of forms. Struggles with maintaining long term sexual partners makes perfect sense when we live in a world that is misinformed about all the above. It’s normal. I’ll caveat that with the notice that if anything is hurting or itchy or infected or whatnot, do please get that checked out. I feel compelled in particular to share that vaginismus (main symptom is pain during intercourse) is very treatable and not a life sentence.
My last attempt to entice you read it: the book is also a must read if you want to learn about rats with a lemon fetish. Or rats with a jacket fetish! Fascinating. 🥼🤓
Note: the author definitely has blinders on when it comes to disability in all its forms.
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